“I know what you’re thinking, ’cause right now I’m thinking the same thing. … been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn’t I take the BLUE pill?” – Cypher, The Matrix, 1999
Do you remember the day? The day when football changed for you? The day you made a decision that couldn’t be reversed? For me, it was a Tuesday (kudos to anyone who gets the video game-based reference). I was out at my local for a few drinks with a friend and his work mates in order to watch a Champions League game. As half time approached, two of the lads started to talk about one of the more boring Premier League games at the weekend. They were using phrases like “captain choice”, “assists” and “absolutely useless tool”. I asked them what they were talking about to which they replied…
“Oh it’s a fantasy football game based on the English Premier League…it’s a great laugh!”
A game…
About the Premier League…
That friends play?
Five years later, and I sometimes wonder if I should have just shut my mouth and not asked that question. I’d probably be a millionaire. I’d own three cars and a horse for long rides in the countryside. I would have a guest spot on the Dragons Den (when not contractually obliged to appear on Dancing with the Stars – you see I would have been able to take dance lessons during my free time).
Instead, I often wallow in my pyjamas until 1130 am on a Saturday morning, agonizing over transfers, substitutions and team news. I will happily sit and watch what is expected to be an incredibly dull game between 9th and 13th simply because I have one of the defenders in my team. I now cheer when the team I despise scores a goal because I have the goalscoring striker in my team. My 15-year old self would be getting sick at the idea had he not been too busy playing Nintendo.
If you are hoping for some advice to take a way from my first blog post, here’s the best piece I can give…
Quit the game. Leave. Get out now. Cancel your team immediately and enjoy your life! Please!!! If not for your own well-being, then for your family, friends and loved ones. Also your pets. Goldfish and hamsters are scientifically proven to be negatively affected by their owners bad game weeks. Did you know that a goldfish in Chile died because his owner changed his captaincy at 11:29 am which caused him to lose out on 36 points? True story. Anyway, take care now…thanks for stopping by…
Oh you’re still here…damaged beyond repair. Just like me. Ah well…that’s life!
Then like me, as much as you hate the game, you also love the game. The goals, the assists, the conceding, the bonus point allocation, the bonus point screw ups, the good scores, the bad scores, the truly dreadful scores, the weeks where absolutely every decision you make goes right and you’re the motherfecking rockstar for the week.
If so, then I hope you come back to this blog. You won’t find hundreds of pages of stats breaking down possession percentages, defensive weakness and probability of goals from set plays. To be honest, there are plenty of sites that do this very well already. Instead, I’m going to be focusing on my own feelings regarding the upcoming fixtures and will provide them in concise digestible tidbits. Who I fancy to do well, where the clean sheets are at, who are the best candidates for captaincy, my team of the week, and much more. These will be interlaced with my own musings, rants and ravings on any particular topic that gets my goat. Oh and my goat gets got. A lot. Please hang around, leave comments and alway feel free to provide me with any feedback you may have!
“You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Oh and never captain Peter Crouch.” – Morpheus, The Matrix, 1999
Fantasy Premier League Strategist 